I'm BACK! & I have something to tell you..

Hello people! I'm back! 

I know, it feels kind of foreign to be writing on here again, but I'm here and that's all what I have to say. I owe you guys an explanation for why I was afraid of approaching blogging, it is the fact that I haven't been reading and I have fell into a slump that I don't know how to possibly get out of. I have stopped reading and have only read like 4 books in total throughout late 2016 and 2017. It sucks because I love reading and writing so much. They bring me a sense of euphoria that nothing else gives me, but I can't seem to extract myself from the shitthole that I've fallen into.

I've been sick for the last couple of days and haven't left my room in a while so that had me thinking.. who am I? I know that this question is easily answered by having a glance at my ID, but no. I haven't lost my mind quite yet. I want to discuss this, but forgive my scattered, unorganized thoughts. 

I have those days when I'm very goal-oriented, I know where my life is going, I know what I have to do to pave the way for that to happen. I never once really knew what my purpose is in life though, I was never sure of what I want to be, I have endless possibilities of who I could be in 10 or 20 years and I can't fathom the idea that I could make one wrong decision that puts me on the wrong path for years and when I finally reroute I'd be 60 years old and my life has wasted away. Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason, but I'm too young right now (I'm 20) and I have no idea what I'm doing. 

Whenever I see people my age doing great things it motivates me to move my butt and do something, but yet again, I feel like my hands are tied for multiple reasons;
1- I still study, therefore I cannot get a steady job 
2- I live with my parents
3- I'm unable to finance myself due to the previously stated two reasons, therefore I lack the sense of independence. 
4- Here in Egypt, people don't fucking take you seriously when you're 20 years old even if you have ideas of gold. 
5- The willingness of people to take risks here is minimal, especially to follow the idea of said 20 year old, they'd be insane.
6- I'm a girl surrounded by sexist pieces of shit.

I instantly slide back into my cocoon of sadness and continue to watch people being successful as my ability to be up there with them is hindered by all stated reasons. I also look at this from another perspective and say well if I was really willing to try, I would've thrown all those 6 points in the nearest garbage possible and proven myself fit. I often think that these are excuses that I created to lessen the guilt factor and my sense of shame. 

Can I have a midlife crisis at 20? I keep telling myself that I need to chill and loosen up a bit, let the wave of life turn and toss me to eventually become who I'm destined to become, but fuck, I can't let this happen and not have a hand in doing so. I mean those who are successful really struggled to be where they are, even if there was a little bit of luck involved, but it was the right timing for luck and hard work to meet. It's quite contradictory of me because I believe that those who work hard enough will not be left unrewarded, but it's hard to think something and act on it.. I don't know. 

Please tell me if you have the same thoughts, I hope I'm not crazy for not knowing my purpose or who on earth am I yet. I'm still figuring this shit out so don't judge my crazy train of thoughts. 

I need your help with something, if you've made it this far, thank you! You're a trooper. Can you do me one more favor and recommend me a good pick me up book? Preferably a short myserty thriller. 

Give me a feedback on this post, as I'm not reading anything atm and I want to get back into writing, do you find sharing my thoughts entertaining or just boring?!! Comment down below :)